Suzan Bond

I've been on a stage in one form or another for most of my life. Which means I've been evaluated–both formally and informally–by big crowds of people for a long time. While getting feedback is a part of all of our lives, taking it while maintaining healthy perspective isn't always easy. Recently an entrepreneur asked for my support in marketing his work. The trigger was a small piece of feedback which was negative. While 99% of his feedback had been positive, glowing even, he was stuck on this one point. I understood his dilemma, while it was only one person, the feedback went directly against the mission of the project. At the same time, it was clear that this feedback was eating him up, a situation that wasn't good.

I can relate with this entrepreneur. For the most part I get very high marks on my talks. I remember the time when I got all 5's on a talk I gave to a very tough crowd. There was only one little note about something that I could improve. And you know what? It was that little comment that I focused all of my attention on rather than the 40 stellar scores that I received. It was clear that I cared way too much about every stinking little opinion out there and was a devout perfectionist. This was a massive turning point for me. Though I curbed the people pleasing demon long ago, it's something that I still think about from time to time.

If you want to accomplish your dreams, you're probably going to be in the public eye. And even if you don't, social media these days will make you feel like you are. All of this means that you need to develop that later of epidermis covering your body so that the comments of others don't sway you off your course.  Here are the realizations I had about this whole business of giving and receiving feedback when you choose to put yourself and your ideas out in public.

Other People's Opinions (OPO) are none of your business
Getting everuone to love you or Wanting everyone to love you is a tiny precipice upon which to put yourself. One person doesn't wholly approve and you're shoved off into the abyss of perfection.  For the control freaks OPO is utter torture. Yes, you can try to influence their opinion but you aren't in control. And their opinion of you is probably much more about them rather than about you. OPO is similar to Other People's Problems (OPP)  You have no control over either and so your only the sane choice is to let them go. Now the rule of OPO and OPP doesn't give you license to act like a 2 year old with  a perpetual tantrum. One of the best tests to ensure that you're not abusing this rule is another one: the Mirror Rule. (Yes, I'm full of rules today). If you can honestly look at yourself in the mirror, in the deepest part of your heart, all that your mama taught you and be ok with your behavior then you're good.

When you're daring to put yourself out in the public view, there's bound to be some negative feedback and this is bound to bring out scary emotions in you. When attacked the ugly emotions of being defensive, vulnerability and perfectionism will rear up from the recesses of your brain. When they show up on your emotional doorstep just welcome them in for a nice cup of tea while you calm them down. When I get caught off guard by an anonymous comment that invokes these emotions I just think to myself, "What the ef are you doing Suzan Bond letting some anonymous person get in the way of your dreams?" and I let them go so I can move forward.

What you invoke in other people is none of your business
File this under the Other People's Problems (OPP) rule. Again, it starts with the Mirror Rule. If you can easily pass the Mirror Rule knowing that you weren't honestly trying to upset someone else then you must move along. Often when we're out in public speaking on a topic we can accidentally stumble upon people's internal land mines. When you dare to stand up in front of a room, write an intriguing blog post or work on an innovative project here are a few of the emotions you're likely to invoke in others:

The diss. Inevitably for me it's the person who sees themselves as an expert in whatever it is that I'm talking about that day. In this case I think it's a matter of somehow threatening them as I hit too close to home. Perhaps they feel they should be up there on stage. While I certainly take their opinion into considerable I try not to lose sleep over their comments especially since they're usually not my main audience.

Negativity. The other person who won't like your talk is the person who is always negative, the one who always sees something wrong what you're talking about or the way you're saying it. Negative people can't be turned around and just aren't worth your energy.

Fear. Sometimes your topic or the way you phrase it is going to change the status quo, at least for one person. And this will strike fear in their little heart. So they must criticize you so that they can stay tightly wrapped in that little cocoon of theirs. You know as well as I do that there are just some people who will kick and scream into that dark night of change. When someone is gripped in fear the kindest thing you can do is to handle them like your grandma: with kindness and respect. Even if they're growling at you like a wolf, be sure to look past that into the scared little kid on the inside.

End game? You will never be good enough, smart enough or anything enough for at least one person. Succumbing to people pleasing is a creativity killer.

So. How do you keep your creativity intact in the face of criticism? How do you get feedback and improve without being lured to the people pleasing demons like a ship to the rocks?

It seems every day I witness an example of public shaming via the internet, most often through a social channel. It's so disheartening that some days if you're like me, you want to ignore social media and comments on blogs. But this just means that the trolls, those who lack good judgment and the insecure who seek to tear down others to build themselves up just get stronger. If we continue to ignore not just the deplorable behavior but also the mildly offensive they will win the internet and we will lose.

Thanks to technology we now have more tools than ever to communicate. In the past, feedback about performance on the job, in code or at a conference remained a private conversation where respect and empathy could be maintained. Difficult messages were carefully thought through, positioned and delivered with an eye for being constructive so that the receiver could make progress on weak or developmental areas. The conversations were most often between just two people so that dignity and reputation could be maintained.

Now we level a digital axe at anyone who dares disagree with our way of doing work, behaving or even of thinking. These new communication tools mean that in less time than it takes to walk across a street, anyone has access to hundreds or thousands by dashing off just 140 characters.
We get angry, hurt, scared and we simply whip out our phone to publicize it to the world.

We hurl a mocking tweet displaying someone's code when we're confused or upset and want to gain validity that we're right. We take pictures of people we find using offensive language and tweet it to thousands of followers. On a blog we rip someone apart personally when we disagree with their opinion on a topic we care about deeply. We create fake avatars that aren't connected to our real name so that we can troll people or businesses we think have wronged us, making sure that other people know how stupid, lame or immoral they are.

I once spoke at a conference where speakers were rated by conference attendees on a public website. It was the first time I'd had my talk vetted publicly without moderation. One participant lambasted my talk for having no value and pretty much accused me of plagiarizing my talk all while remaining anonymous. While I had the guts to stand in front of a crowd consisting of hundreds of developers–mostly male–this person who sat in the audience without contributing a thing except to criticize and accuse those brave enough to present their ideas, hid behind anonymity.

Your rushed off tweet, that photo incriminating someone for poor behavior or that comment lambasting someone for their "stupidity" has an impact. It can damage a person's reputation by giving a caution signal. It can invoke deep distress on the receiver who wonders why they have been targeted or what they can do to right this wrong. It may even haunt your own professional career as recent events can attest.

I don't wish to turn back time nor to eradicate these new media channels. For it is these channels which have given me many riches: relationships, new clients, humor on bad day and information that allows me to be a better person and better professional.

As the professor of the philosophy class I took in college once told me, the problem is not innovation. The problem is keeping up with the ethics, morals and human implications of our inventions. How we choose to use tools is the real issue and one which is often overlooked in the rush for the latest technology. We focus on the product and what it can do to evolve our society to be faster and more connected but rarely considered are the dark sides of what this may bring out in humans.

I don't think that society has devolved as some would assert. There have always been been the bullies, the insecure who lash out at others in a vain attempt to shore up their own shattered self esteem. For everyone who is trying new ideas there will always be the self-appointed guardians of traditions, standing guard at the gates attempting to squelch innovation like a man overrun by ants. For those who dare to publicly try to educate or inform others with valuable information, the bodyguards of perfection stand ready to mock and deride them when any imperfection is detected.

The dark side that lies within all of us has more opportunity to become public because of these tools. Now, not everyone will succumb to their dark side but it is human nature and some will. We need to be prepared that some will not be able to have good judgment or able to process their emotions in a way that leaves other unscathed.

We need to learn how to process our emotions, how to handle conflict, how to handle moments of insecurity or confusion rather than expecting these tools to always be used properly and to be purveyors of only good. We need to call people out on their misbehavior. Since publicly rebuking someone for shaming in public is an act of public shaming itself, this is best done privately. When others use poor judgment in public, shaming another, we need to be careful not to add accelerant to that fire with our own derisive comments. When we see a tweet that is aimed at humiliation of another rather than piling on scorn, we need to tell the person to take it offline or better yet — speak directly to the person involved.

Technology now means that the world is our community. The village it takes to create a good society has now gotten much larger and we're all responsible for helping to create it.  The proliferation of social media on the internet means that we've all been given great power to communicate. I will end with one of my favorite quotes:

"With great power comes great responsibility."

Use your power wisely.

Love is a mysterious thing. Some of us profess to understand it–um, not me–but most of us don't. Even science doesn't fully understand how love works. If you're not a romantic or in a relationship, you may say that don't care about Valentine's Day. That may be true but I bet you'll think of love–your current one, or maybe a lost love or how to get more love–at least once today.

Given my dating history I may not be an expert at love but I do know how to find people who have a few intelligent thoughts about it. Let's listen in for a bit of a lesson on how the heart–and the brain–on love really work.

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I've been thinking a lot about conflict lately and wanting to blog about it.Conflict is a funny thing. I think most of us spend a great deal of time fearing it. Worrying that it will ruin our relationships. We push away from conflict so that we can maintain our bubble of perceived happiness and perfection. But this is sheer folly in my opinion. It's only when you have a conflict that you truly begin to know someone. Here are a few more of my thoughts including some advice from one of my favorites sages.

"You're waiting for the other shoe to drop. You're so tangled up in your fear that you're not really experiencing the job of what's happening in your life right now."

We'd just sat down to a delicious meal when my friend delivered this wisdom. Although my life was flowing like a river out of the Rocky Mountains I was having a hard time enjoying it. I was fretting. Pacing. Worried about events that hadn't happened yet. Her words stopped me mid-sentence.

She was right.  (Damn it)

Life was so good for me — better in fact, that it had been in months. And yet. I was waiting for that other shoe to drop, crushing all that long-sought happiness. My happiness was being swallowed up by the fear monster. The perceived pain I was feeling felt real and yet–it wasn't. It was just phantom pain I was reliving from the past even though that I wasn't in the past–I had moved forward to a new time continuum.

If you're like me, you might tend to focus on the shoe rather than the joy. But focusing  on what seems like a precariously placed shoe isn't going to make it stop from falling.

Waiting for that shoe to take it's tumble exacts a cost.
It tightens your chest making it hard to breath.
It closes off your heart.
It distracts you away from what really matters.
It squeezes the joy right out of your life and everything in it.

The only thing that can stop the shoe from falling is out of your control. Shoes are gonna drop sometimes and it's okay. You will be ok. You always have been and you always will be.

I was lucky. I grew up in a home with two parents who did what they wanted for their work. My mom loved to write, sing and play the piano. Outside of her children, she loved her creative projects. My dad moved the family to Michigan so that he could pursue his love of creating prototypes in the auto industry. Cars were his passion from the age of 5 and even though no one before or since has been an engineer–he has followed that passion. While we didn’t live in a huge home with lots of designer items we had a nice living and were probably one of the wealthier families on our block in the suburbs of Detroit.

My parents also had the same life dream to travel all over the country in a trailer. When I was growing up we hauled our pop-up trailer around the country every summer to a new destination. Now that they’re both retired, they spend 4-6 months a year traveling the country in a trailer–just as they dreamed of doing. It’s not the most conventional nor cost effective thing but it is one of the most important things for them and so they do it.

Unlike many other parents they didn’t tell me that I had to be one thing or another. There was never any pressure to go to law school or business school–though two of my siblings did that on their own volition. My parents seemed most focused on whether I was a good person and if I was happy. They did want me to make money so that I was stable but otherwise they never tried to sway me when I wanted to do something which for me was usually creative and often just a little ahead of my time. I’ve followed my creative leanings and given into my passions and this has largely worked out for me. Like I said, I was lucky to grow up in the house I did with parents who cared about this as well. If you didn’t, don’t worry. It’s not to late. It’s never to late to follow the stirrings of your heart.

I know that we live on physical planet and  have to live so sometimes you need to take a job “just for the money.” I know I certainly have. Just make sure that you don’t only take only jobs just for the money.

"If you say money is the most important you'll be spending you life completely wasting your life. Doing things you don't like doing in order to go on living that is go on doing things you don't like doing which is stupid."

Alan Watts

Do YOU like what you're doing? If not, this video is just for you.

I’m a creative type. There I said it. If you know anything about this type you know that they love to be left alone for long hours huddled in their creative den, perfectly their art whether it be a painting, website or in my case–writing. Like the stereotype often goes–my work area can become super messy and even though it bugs me I just dive deeper into my work. Lately my work has been off the charts busy with a full-time client and two part-time ones. Pretty sure that doesn’t equal a balanced life. But it does equal a messy house, a neglected personal blog and too many thing too do.

I am ready to try new things–not because a big number ticked over a few weeks ago but because I have been trying to do things different since I got sick this past summer. This sickness was an indication that the way I was doing things just wasn’t working and since I’m not insane that meant that I needed to do things a different way.

So, for the past few weeks I’ve been trying something a bit different. Rather than allocating a full day to a project like I’d like to I am now getting work in very small micro bursts. I’ve started with 10 minutes on a timer for each iteration. 10 minutes to clean off my desk. 10 minutes to plow through my email. I even did it for this blog post. I didn't futz over it or spend hours trying to get the perfect phrasing. I published. a.k.a. Committing or Shipping in the tech world. I largely think it worked.  (Though I did add 5 minutes for the actual posting because wordpress can be a rascal sometimes) Sometimes I need to add another 10 minutes because I’ve gotten into the task and I want to get just a bit more done. I did this last night. I cleaned off my desk (which meant sorting my bills and receipts and other nonsense) and then in the last 3 minutes of the second iteration I paid off 3 bills and took care of another billing issue. I went to bed feeling quite pleased. I got the inspiration from the world of lean startups and small iterations and my mom who has done a similar approach which she probably got from a woman's magazine.

What I love about my lean approach

1) Feels very doable

2) I get something done which is better than nothing

3) I get very focused on the task at hand

4) I feel good about it so I inch up a few notches on happiness meter.

Now certainly everything may not fit into this lean approach and that quality doesn't matter because it does and there are times I will certainly want to luxuriate in a project. That said, so far it's really helping me to stay focused and get an enormous amount done especially in things I dread because I don't think I have time. Wondering how you might be able to put this concept into your life and what you discover.

Last night a big number rolled over in the calendar. As the new year started I found myself sitting on my couch starting to have a pity party for one. Then I remembered that being alone on this day was actually my choice. I was offered a plane ticket to New York for New Years. New *freaking* York! But I made a choice. I decided to spend New Year's Eve at home in favor of a trip out a bit later when it coincided with a work event. Though it's much more cool to be in New York when the ball drops I made a choice that supports me for the longer term. Um, does this mean I've finally reached adulthood?

As I sat pondering all of this I found myself doing what I'm wont to do when there's something on my brain. Turning over word combinations in my head I decided to write. Although most of what I write never reaches anyone else's eyes I thought I'd share it with the hopes that maybe you'll relate to it. I'm not going to pretend that I have something novel to say about the new year. It's just really me talking to myself as the appointed 2013 hour arrived.

—————

Dear Suz,

Remember a new year started–not a completely new life. Sure, you can go ahead and make those resolutions to run climb another 14er and save 20% of your income. In addition do something that’s really powerful. Something that will power everything else in your life.

Let this be the 365 days that you really love yourself. Love yourself enough to:

Take small, reachable steps rather than HUGE leaps.

Let go of stress of any form.

Save more than you think you need. This will give you more options and freedom.

Appreciate every scar, crease in your face and every single failure. This means you're really living.

Be kind to yourself.

Allow yourself to be upset from time to time.

Just be upset. Don’t get upset about being upset.

Not worry about that other shoe. It's dropped many times and you're still here.

Be willing to face others disapproval, especially when it means you earn your own.

Remember to stand strong for what you want.

Cook more often. Despite what your first boyfriend said–your food is edible.

Smile more often. It really does make things easier.

Not worry about those little rolls of flesh that pop out over the top of your pants.

Focus on what you have in your life. Practice being grateful every day.

Be unabashedly you.

Be open to love from wherever it comes.

And most of all remember this. You don't have to all of these at one time. Just do one little thing each day that brings you more love and happiness.

Love,
me

…it took me some years to discover what I was.

Which was a writer.

By which I mean not a ‘good’ writer or a ‘bad’ writer but simply a writer, a person whose most absorbed and passionate hours are spent arranging words on pieces of paper.

Joan Didion

Thanks to Brain Pickings for reminding me of this quote. It's such a delicious quote about a topic I care deeply about. I too am a writer, compelled to pick up pencil and put to paper or to furiously type on a keyboard daily. Since I was a kid I've enjoyed many hours enamored with words on paper. While I've held a number of titles throughout my life–project manager, executive coach, CMO-for-Hire, buying assistant–being a writer is something that I am everyday regardless of my title. It's just a part of my genetic makeup. I simply can't help myself.

I have this notion that each of us have something that is so endemic to who we are that we are compelled to do it; a compulsion that comes within the deepest part of who you are. For me arranging words on paper is my compulsion. It helps me process my thoughts and to understand the world around me. When I am in my deepest despair you'll often find me curled into a corner of a library or bookstore. Once I've sorted through my thoughts I feel much more at ease. I suddenly know how to approach a problem or take a creative approach to a project. If I don't write for a day I just don't quite feel like myself.

Writing? It's just a part of who I am.

What is your compulsion? And what compels you to do it?

As a writer, marketer and community builder I've spent most of my professional life centered around the questions of Who, What, When, Where, How and Why. When I’m working with clients one of my favorite questions to lob at them that is “Why is that important?” or it’s twin, “Why does that matter?” Of course I liberally use other questions like “What do you want to accomplish?” or “How will this benefit you or your business?” but Why is a critical one. Given this you must wonder how on this planet I came up with the title for this blog post.

See, Why can actually be a very tricky word.

When Using Why Works
One of the first words a young child learns is invariably “Why?” This is a critical word for a wee one trying to make sense of a unfamiliar world even when they don’t understand that there is a world. When we’re sincerely looking for information Why can be one of the most useful conduits available to us. This very direct searching question can bore a hole through any piece of emotional or mental concrete to help you get to the core of something.

Answering the Whys are critical when it comes to building a business, a product or a life. This sort of Why question can uncover extremely useful information especially when confronted with a decision point. For example, if you’re building an app and you need to decide what the next features are going to be then asking “Why are we building this? Why will people use it over other apps?” is highly appropriate. If you want to decide what to do next with your career there are other apropos Why questions like “Why do I get out of bed in the morning? What excites me?” These are exceptionally good ways to use this power adverb.

The Problem Of Using Why In Feedback
There are times when asking Why is a much more tricky proposition. Nowhere is this more prevalent than in situations where things may not be going quite as you hoped or when direct feedback is needed.

When I trained to become an Executive Coach one of the things I was told to eliminate from my vocabulary was the question Why. The reasoning was that it would send someone into a different part of their brain where answers were harder to access. As coached more and more people over the next 10 years I found another reason to take care with the word Why. This type of question can have a distinctly critical feel to it setting people on a much more self-critical path of thinking when not applied appropriately. 

“Why aren’t you further with your goals?”
"Why aren’t you making more money?”
“Why did you do that?"

  Even without emoticons or a tone of voice providing cues you just sense the judgement inherent in these questions right?   While these questions may get directly at the source of friction within a person or a business they are also more likely to bring in the shame factor. Sometimes they’re not even really questions–more statements of fact aimed at blasting, humiliating or venting at the offending party–whether we aim them at ourselves or someone else. This kind of judgment has a way of wrapping its tendrils around a person's heart shutting off the flow. There are many things I don’t know but I do know that Shame is one of the least productive emotions out there. It’s one to be avoided at all costs. Often adopting this word as a form of judgment unnecessary drama. You don't need more of that now do you?

Know When & How to Use This Power Adverb
In some cases Why can be used effectively along with a tone that moves it more into the productive rather than the shame territory. When talking with others this is most easily and effectively achieved in person where a person can more readily feel, see and understand your tone. In written word take care when asking a question with a Why in it.

And sometimes really it’s about choosing a different word. To take the potential stinging shame that can accompany the big Why. To open someone up to what might be vulnerable questions rather than slamming their ego shut try one of the other power W’s.

“How can you achieve more of your goals?”
“What can you do to make more money?”
“Help me understand what motivates you."

This approach leads to a much more expansive conversation that asks the person to reflect and plumb the depths of their psyche for new insights that moves them much closer to their goals. People being happier, fulfilling long-held dreams, developing novel ideas that just might change the world–that’s what you want right?

If you want to be powerful in your interactions with others you must know when and how to use this power word.

Use it wisely.