Suzan Bond

This is the 3rd in the series around the life lessons I've learned since June 2011.  It expanded on the illusion of control and now we come to this: how to avoid drama. People who have a lot of drama in their lives come in two flavors.  Let's start with the most obvious types–the one I know you thought of when you read the title of this post. They're the ones who enticed you in–just as they're wont to do in real life. The Drama Creators.

Their hallmarks include numerous, messy entanglements, excuses and a general lack of concern for your feelings. These Drama Kings and Queens and oh yes–both genders have 'em–will entice you–at first. My experience has shown them to be shockingly charming, drawing you in like a moth to the dangerous light. Aliveness may permeate throughout you in those first few interactions, soon to be replaced with a feeling of confusion, exhaustion and a serious case of emotional whiplash. And there isn't a carton of ice cream or bottle of Tequila big enough to anesthetize it. 

The only thing you can do when you find yourself faced with a Drama Creator is to move away. Exclude. Minimize. It's a hard lesson to learn but one you'd be wise to do the very moment you discover you have a life filled with these kinds of people. Or, even just a few especially if they're a primary relationship like a boss, client, lover, best friend or family member.

The thing is…they're not whole. Not yet. They're so filled with their own internal angst that baby they don't have an ounce of energy left for you. In fact, they're more likely to rob you of your precious energy rather than fill you with more. They're stuck in inner trauma—probably from a bygone era. Unwilling to do the true hard work to heal, they're stuck frozen.

They're not going to change.

Identify. Leave. Exclude. Minimize.

Then there are those who have drama surrounding them. Let's call them the Drama Allowers. This sort of type seems to attract drama without directly (or intentionally) causing it. Except they do have a part in this melodrama. Being passive may not seem as harmful as those who actively create drama but this alas, is untrue.

The rub is that passively allowing others' drama to seep into and pervade your life leaves you spent, unavailable for good to infiltrate and ultimately leaves you feeling disempowered. This in turn leaves you much more susceptible to other Drama Creators, creating a cycle which is a bit like a dangerous undertow that churns you around, scrambles you up and renders you useless. If this is you–stop it. When someone injects a bit of drama in your life pay attention to the big old yellow flashing sign. Slow down, take care to see if this is isolated or the way this person lives their life. If it's the latter–well, do I really need to tell you what to do?  Drama Creators will hijack your life, taking it over with their narcissistic concerns and you farther away from your dreams.

Identify. Leave. Exclude. Minimize.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" Mary Oliver

I hope you won't spend one more moment squandering your precious time on creating or allowing drama. It's simply an luxury you can't afford.

I used to be a dyed-in–the-wool Drama Allower, whipped around in a frenzy by Drama Creators until I just got tired of it and let them all go. Bosses, boyfriends, friends–really, anyone with a penchant for the dramatic. These days my business is snap, crackling and popping along with all sorts of goodness. My life is too busy, too precious to waste it on drama so I simply don't allow it in my life. The result in my life has dramatic itself. My productivity and happiness levels shot straight up like one of those hockey stick charts investors are always looking for. If I was investing in myself I'd say it was the best one I could have made.

All this talk about drama has me a bit drained. But if even one of you lets go of being a Drama Creator or Drama Allower it was worth it. And now, I'm off to gain some energy by working on a project that invigorates me: writing my book I've been dreaming of for years.

Postscript: Credit goes to Cheryl Strayed for reminding me of the Mary Oliver quote. It's a good one and should be taped to everyone's refrigerator.

The 11 Important Lessons I Learned This Year post was so popular that it spurned a great deal of conversation on Twitter and in real life. So, I thought I'd unpack the lessons a bit more. Since I think in circles, swirls and stars this may not be a completely linear process so we'll start with #1 and see how it goes.

Here we go.

1. The more control you try to assert the less you actually have.

Control is just an illusion. We can have some control over some mutable things. But there are plenty of things that are immutable and some that are purely out of our control. It's true wisdom to learn when you can enforce some measure of control over a part of your life. Pay attention to the part about "your" life. You can't control anyone else. No matter how much you think you might be like a hypnotist who can make anyone do anything you wish. You may get a small measure of control for a bit but it will always be fleeting. The reason? Free will baby.

The other way that people try to exert control is in getting the job done. You seen or done this right? In this case, a person gets so focused on getting. the. job. done. that they all end up trying to control everything–including you. Oh, they would tell you that the job just needs to get done. It seems like in their head it's life or death. They take over your job–and everyone else's. They yell, scream, demean, manipulate and generally engage in all sorts of other unbecoming behavior–all as a means to gain control in order to get the job done. You know what happens when a person is faced with something this acute. Yep. Frantic efforts for some measure of control.  It's also just as useless. Oh, you might get the job done but you'll piss off so many people in the process that you'll lose relationships like water from a leaky bucket.

Control is a tool often employed to make up for insecurity. It's a lack of trust. When we say we don't trust others it's actually more often true that we don't trust ourselves. Or we don't trust that things will turn out exactly as they need to without our intervention. I know it may be hard to hear that your attempts to control are misguided, insecurity-driven and ineffective. I'm open to other reasons people try to control–I just haven't found a legitimate alternative yet.  And I don't want to pretend as if this is a method that will ever give you true happiness, success or peace of mind.

The more you try to control another person or a situation the more it will slip out of your hands like a loose knot that easily unravels with one good pull. Worse? It just makes you feel worse and makes you feel even less secure. And that's not helpful.

True strength comes from trusting yourself. Trusting yourself is actually something you have a measure of control over. That's a really good place to put your efforts to control someone or something.

June 2011 really sucked. Sorry. I'm doing cold immersion into this blog post just the way it happened to me. Three endings happened in rapid fire within 2 weeks leaving my life unrecognizable. It was a simply awful time in my life. Usually I might try to pass of this kind of life suckiness with a bright "I'm fine!" but there was just no getting around this particular cluster. There were times I wished I could have jumped in a time machine that would take me to one year in the future. But since that technology hasn't been invented yet I lived through it…one day at a time.

As I look back a year later ultimately my life is 10x better because of those endings and the new beginnings I created as a result. There were many insights that came to life. Thought I'd share 'em with you just in case they might be helpful to you one day. Or, this day.

1. The more control you try to assert the less you actually have.

2. Drama is a luxury. One you can't afford. Especially Other People's Drama.

3. Trying to control yourself in a relationship will kill it. Let be what it is.

4. When three separate people urge caution about a person–believe them.

5. You're always worth way more than you think. Ask for more.

6. It always takes much longer than you think. 8 times as long. Factoid from: Deep Survival

7. Self-respect isn't just important. It's the only thing.

8. Conversations that start after 11pm never end well. Don't start 'em.

9. Things just work or they just don't. Forcing something is just sheer folly.

10. Being gifted is a gift. Embrace your natural talents. This is how you'll be successful.

11. Today is the only one you have.

We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are.

Anais Nin

In my work I spend a lot of time with entrepreneurs and wannapreneurs. Either one can fall victim to the problem of seeing the world from a particular lens. The ones that are successful are aware of their lens. They're careful to let go of perceptions that get in their way. The least successful ones can't see that there's a lens in front of their eyes.

Perception is Everything

There are plenty of things we see as truths that aren't. A truth is really just a belief. We just *think* it's the Truth with a capital T. But really, it's a belief. And that means it's changeable. Why is this important? Sometimes what you think is a truth is really just masquerading as an excuses. Here's the thing.

I'm tired. Really F*&%ng tired.

I'm tired of people (including moi) using the something masquerading as the truth as a shield for an excuse for not living up to themselves. All of that potential that we keep dammed back, held hostage by beliefs. Yes there are limitations but they're not nearly as restrictive as our beliefs would have them seem. There's a whole lot more space there.

Does this sound like you? Some of these sure have sounded like me on occasion.

I'm too old to start a business. To date. To start over in my career.

I'm too weak to complete a marathon. To end that toxic relationship. To be brave.

I don't have time to write that book. I don't have time to take care of myself.

I could never bring in enough money on my own. Ask for investment funding.

I don't have enough money to properly market my business. To take that international trip.

I can't market myself. I can't save money. I can't do what I love and make money.

Cut it out.

Just stop telling yourself, your spouse, your investors anyone these "truths."

They're just excuses.

That's all they are.

I know I'm not the first to say this. I'm just the one saying it to you now. The next time you think something is a truth check to see if it's really just an excuse in disguise.

Now go get cracking on living up to your potential.

You're welcome.

It's that time of year. Yep. New Year's Resolution time.

If you're anything like me let me tell you what's going to happen. Feeling fat and loathsome after a long holiday of eating, being sedentary, spending too much and not doing much you…

Step 1: Make a whole bunch of resolutions that are largely unachievable.

Step 2: Break all of them within a month.

Step 3: Feel like crap about yourself so go back to eating, being sedentary, spending too much and not doing much.

Step 4: Feel guilty. Berate yourself.

Step 5: Go back to Step 1. And repeat.

Don't do this. Now, let me offer you something that really works. Something I also do randomly all year-round is to ask myself a very simple question.

Is my life better or worse than a year ago?

It started as a random wandering of my brain many years ago and has evolved into a practice. This barometer check allows me to quickly break things down in a very black and white way so that I can assess and take action. It's like my very own Timehop but with action.

I did it reflexively today. My mind wandered back to what I was doing a year ago today. At that time I was in an unhappy relationship. I didn't know what I wanted to do next. Trust in myself. Pretty close to negligible. This year? I'm happily single, I'm doing work I love and I trust myself to make decisions that put myself first. Also? I trust that everything I need will come to me.

Like my assessment today the answer is generally yes. On the rare occasion I can't honestly answer in the affirmative it means it's time for a reinvention, refocus or double down.

So…Is your life better or worse than a year ago?

Here are a few of my favorite posts from 2011 which just happened to fall under two of my favorite topics.

Decision Making

Good Decision? Bad Decision?

The Best Five Decisions I've Made

Entrepreneurs & Startups

There is no Pink Tech Ghetto (September)

Startup Weekend Boulder: The Wisdom Edition

8 Weeks Away From Having to Get a Job

And a fun one that seemed to generate lots of conversation…

The Best First Week Ever

Frank Denbow's perceptive post on honesty in startupland and how there needs to be more of it got me thinking about honesty in general. About how critical it is but how it can evade the most important of conversations.

How honest are you with…yourself? Your friends? Your co-workers? Your bosses? (be they investors, ourselves as bosses and the more traditional type)

How often do you say the hard thing? The thing you don't want to say that you know might upset the person? Or get you fired? Or put you on the edge of being fired?

How often do you ask the hard questions? You know–the ones with answers that you really may not like. The ones that elicit responses that might be tough for the person you're asking.

Let me step back and define hard questions and honesty. I'm not talking about the kind where the person ends up in fetal position clutching their throat screaming for mama. We've all been told the "hard truth" by someone who says they're just "trying to be honest." When…they're just unleashing their pent-up self hatred or frustration out on you. Honesty isn't going for someone's jugular just because you see it. That's not honesty. It  might look like it but it's not. That's a power trip, needing control, narcissism, insecurity or about 10 other things that might be classified as some sort of etiology.

What the hell is it then?

Honesty is…
From the heart. There's a tinge of kindness to it. It's real. It aims to serve, not punish or hurt. It's knowing when and how to approach the conversation. It brings the elephant lurking in the room into the light. It provides a path for the person to move forward. It gives information that gives the person a chance to assess their decisions and make different ones if needed.

That's honesty.

What stopping you?
Fear of getting it wrong?

Not wanting to hurt someone's feelings?

Don't want to hear the answer, preferring to live in la-la land?

Do you have to change something and you don't have a flipping idea of how to do that?

Getting around those damn beliefs
I've talked about honesty with my executive clients for many years. There are so many beliefs that get in the way. One of the biggest beliefs is that it will hurt the other person or will hurt the friendship. They're right. It just might. But here's the thing. If we don't tell the truth things get murky. People take actions without all the information available to them. This can lead to bad decisions. Once the truth comes out it often hurts far worse because of the accompanying feelings of betrayal at not being told. This breaks trust which breaks relationships. And this is sad because relationships are the real juice of life. Just because you don't tell the truth doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

Let me give you a real-life example
Many years ago, after a particularly disastrous situation I asked a friend what she thought. It turns out she knew all along that it wasn't going to work out. She didn't tell me because she thought I wasn't ready to hear the truth. I might not have been but it would have started me along the path of discovery forcing me to ask myself some hard questions. I'm not blaming her for my situation. That was due to my own lack of honesty with myself. After talking through it we both realized that not having a truthful conversation didn't serve either of us well. So, we made a pact that day to always tell the hard truth. It's made our relationship so much stronger and it's helped us make better decisions.

Time for Action
Life without honesty is just no way to live. So what's stopping you from being honest today with yourself and others? What if you did the hard thing around honesty today? Ask one hard question or tell the difficult truth about something. It's time to put on your big boy or girl pants and be honest. Just cannonball right into it. Sometimes you might just be surprised at how much easier it is than you thought it might be. Or, that something really good comes out of it.  I dare you to cannonball right now.

Go do it. I'll wait. Then come back and tell me about it.

Resolutions became extinct for me a number of years ago. I got tired of laying out sky high goals in a NYE champagne induced fever. That never worked out. Shocked right? Instead I started doing a Theme for the year. This set my intention and focused me without setting unattainable resolutions that only served to make me feel worse about myself when I didn’t reach them.

Please understand. I’m not criticizing you if you make resolutions. I know they work for some people. It’s just that through my work as an Org/Biz Strategist and Executive Coach I’ve spent a lot of time helping people create intentions and set goals. I’ve watched lots (I mean crowds) of people fail at this. In order to reach your goals you need to follow the SMART rule: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Time-boxed. This is when resolutions are most effective. But what if you want to create a more encompassing transformation? This is where setting a Theme (or Word) for the year works far better.

How does setting a Theme work?

I think back about the previous year–what I’ve transformed and what I’m still longing for. I then come up with a few words that articulate the transformation I’m looking for in the coming year. Usually I start with a couple and then one emerges as the clear winner. Let me give you some examples to illustrate this a bit better. Here are a few of the words I chose for the past year.

2005: Money (self-explanatory)

2oo6: Grown-up (also pretty explanatory)

2007: Love (self and otherwise)

2008: Focus (how I used my energy, thoughts & time)

2009: Freedom

2010: Align

Photo Note: The sign in the photo was made by a dear friend who wanted to give me a reminder of my align theme last year. I highly recommend reminders of the visual and other sort.

Doing a Theme for the year has allowed me to create amazing experiences and growth. When I look back at each year I am amazing and all the transformation. It feels good.

Repeat after me. Themes, not Resolutions. Ready, Set…Transform!

Looking at the title of this post you might think it’s New Years. No, you’re not mistaken. We didn’t suddenly fast-forward to the end of the year when most people naturally think about setting goals for the coming one. I’m a fall person. After the more laid-back feel of summer I look forward to August and the months between now and the end of the year. It’s when I have the most energy. It’s when I coalesce what I want the coming year to be about.

I gave up resolutions a number of years ago. They just don’t work for me. Well, for most people either–without the right amount of support and mental change that’s required to make ‘em stick. Instead…

I start with a theme of the year

Last year it was Freedom. Having a theme helps me focus my attention and helps me to set goals. Once I have the theme I start to develop goals. I usually break them down by the quarter since a year is an awfully long time and usually the goals I have in mind are pretty meaty. Having a theme and some specific goals is key.

What I accomplished in 2009:

- Moved to Boulder (with no job and no friends)

- Got back into climbing

- Allowed myself to go to zero (the most amazing freedom I’ve ever felt)

- Finally found work/life balance (HUGE freedom for a recovering Type A)

- Fell in love for the first time in 5 years (it didn’t last but it was glorious)

- Went snowboarding for the first time (and didn’t suck at it)

This Year’s Theme

This year’s word is Alignment.  Going inside out rather than outside in to create a life that really allows me to find (and stay) in my flow. One of my goals for this year was to travel more–something I love but haven’t always made a priority. So far in 2010 I’ve traveled to:

- Aspen

- Austin

- Breckenridge & Frisco

- Los Angeles

- Ouray

- Santa Fe & Taos

- Telluride

Whaddaya think? Are you with me?

Three Quick Steps to Really Change Your Life
1. Develop a theme. (Focus)
2. Write down your goals. (Specificity)
3. Share them publicly. (Accountability)

What’s your theme?

What do you plan to accomplish this month?

This Quarter?

This Year?

Ok, ok. I know for most of you it’s not Monday. Even though it’s Tuesday I’m posting this because I was away in Santa Fe this weekend and just got back yesterday so today is my Monday.  On to the stuff I found interesting this week…

Chris Brogan: Not Time Management
Why: This is actually a vlog post. I included it because he makes a simple but really important point about the biggest key to managing our time.

Reuters: If Women are Good at Running Businesses Why Does it Take Them Longer to Start One?
Why: As a female entrepreneur I’m always fascinated with this topic. And? It points out how the “system” can adjust to suit potential entrepreneurs just a tad outside the traditional profile.

New York Times: But Will it Make You Happy?
Why: Happiness is always a fun topic. It also talks indirectly about a topic I’m very interested in: simplicity vs. minimalism.

Home Grown: Earthship Biotecture
Why: This weekend I had the opportunity to visit the original Earthship community just outside of Taos. When I was going to get my PhD I studied environmental risks and community response to it so sustainability is a topic that’s always close to my heart. The photos below are of completed and still in the works Earthships.