2019 Review: A Year of Transformation
2019 was the year that helped me learn… How would you finish that sentence? If you summed up the year in a few words what would they be? For me, it was the year I let go of old hidden mindsets, felt rejuvenated in my work and embarked on a new path.
For me, 2019 was a year of transformation.
Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash
“You may have been
waiting in this valley
for the same things
for years,
but keep your eyes open.
Something new
is happening here.”
While I'm not a fan of New Year's Resolutions I find it profoundly useful to reflect back on the year. It gives the space to think deeply about what happened, what’s been learned and what's next. Leaders move fast, jumping across priorities all day long with little time to breathe or reflect. On top of that, leaders often have few consistent feedback loops designed to help them learn. To support their growth, I set aside one session with clients to reflect on the year. I typically use a few questions as prompts to draw out the deeper lessons that get overlooked as they juggle multiple priorities. Then we sort through the answers for themes or trends. After the session they receive the notes to use to set their own learning priorities for the coming year. Doing these sessions is always a highlight.
Since I work for myself, I also need to create my own feedback loops. One of the ways I do that is through a self review. While the thoughts about the year float through my head for most of the last two months of the year, I find sitting down, committing the exercise to written form the best way to lock in the insights. I spend a day reviewing the year, asking myself thoughtful questions designed to wring out deep insights. This sets the stage to prepare for the coming year.
This year I primarily focused on five questions: What went well? What didn't go well? What was my biggest challenge? What was the best decision I made? What surprised me?
A quick summary of my year:
Began to build a product
Started a new side project
Visited seven countries (including five new ones)
Reading, reading and more reading (56 books in total)
Coached some of the most incredible leaders
Solidified a wellness plan that revitalized my strength and overall well-being
Started a newsletter, Chasing Wisdom
Created a system to support my business (thank you Notion!)
Bounced back from the edge of burnout
As I reflected back on the year four trends emerged. Before I go on to what I learned this year, I should back up and give more context about what came before this year. 2017 was an incredibly tough year. 2018 felt like being on a treadmill for 365 days straight. No surprise I ended the year exhausted. Those two years set the stage for what happened in 2019.
While it’s easy to focus on the tangible, the intangibles can be incredibly powerful, and for me they were the engine that powered transformation. That’s what you’ll find below.
OK. Let’s dive in on what I learned this year.
Seeking approval is futile
As a high achiever, I like to meet standards. Getting this kind of approval feels good to me. As an individual contributor and even a manager, this was achievable. When asked to meet a standard, I excelled, consistently meeting deadlines and standards set for my performance. Striving for excellence is how early in my career I was rapidly promoted to senior project manager and then head of the project management department. It was so natural that I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed the rush of gaining approval. As a leader, this became much harder. The standards change and decisions are often far more complicated than they seem on the surface where often the trick is to find the best of imperfect choices. Instead of spending your time shipping specific deliverables, as a leader your work becomes more about guiding, overseeing and developing strategy. While sometimes it’s clear how to meet the standards, at other times it’s about making tough choices balancing the needs of the business and the team.
Leaders have to accept that not everyone will agree with their decisions. Some will cheer your decision while others will jeer. You might never make a decision with 100% agreement. It doesn't matter how much context you give and sometimes, you aren’t able to give full context due to confidentiality or legal concerns. As a leader, your decisions are often dissected publicly, making it all the harder. Even if you're able to accept that you won't be understood by many of the folks you lead, it can still wear you down. As humans we all long for some level of acceptance. I especially struggled with this in my early days as a leader. I wanted to be liked and understood more than I'd like to admit. A particularly intense time helped me see how much I was grappling with this. One day it became really clear.
Seeking approval is futile.
I let go of wanting to be liked or understood by all or even a majority. The challenge was trying to right by our team while letting go of wanting approval. It was tricky. Decision making wasn’t easier but it was much less stressful, and letting go of trying to meet impossible standards allowed me to sleep easier at night. I stopped my habit of looking at my phone first thing in the morning to see what happened with my European colleagues while I slept. Instead I spent the first hour connecting with myself. Most days that meant light exercise, meditation, journaling and a solid breakfast before even looking at my phone.
This mindset shift continued even after going back to work for myself. I stopped looking to metrics like favorites, RTs, likes or emoji reactions on Slack as a measure of my value. Accepting that I won’t always be liked or get approval gave me more freedom. Low level anxiety was replaced with inner calm. Once I let go of needing any sort of approval from others a whole new world opened up. I started writing again after a long fallow period. It allowed me to move into new areas like building a product and to push myself to write what I thought might be unpopular truths. I shared more of myself which led to new connections and deepening existing ones. I still wrestle with making sure I’m doing right by others but I no longer seek their approval.
We become more authentic and remove friction in our lives when we look to ourselves for approval.
Who you are can change
I mean, this is sort of obvious, right? And yet, it's easy for thoughts to creep into our heads and stick to us like barnacles on a seagoing vessel. As we move forward, busy with our careers it’s easy to be lulled into seeing our identity as fixed, rather than dynamic. It’s easy to let who we are to become hardened in our brain without recognizing it. This means we can end up feeling stuck if we’re not careful.
As an organizational strategist and people person who is pretty darn good at that checklist and knows how to make things actionable, I had the belief that I couldn't build a product. I didn't even know it was an opinion until this year; I just thought that's how things were for me. That belief looked something like this: I'm great at coaching, organizational strategy and getting things done, but building a product is for other people.
This year I decided that belief just didn't have to be true. I started reading books and articles about building a product. I followed tons of product folks on Twitter and started having regular conversations with a friend who is brilliant at building products. She just started building a new one; getting to watch her thought process early on was useful. She also pushed me to believe that I could build a product, something I sorely needed. All of this started to fill in the knowledge I needed. I challenged that old belief by starting to build a product. Much of the spring and summer were filled with customer interviews, the fall with finding patterns and a path forward. By the end of the year I had a good sense of the product of the direction and an initial version. I'm well into creating the content and am planning to launch a productized service version of it in the first quarter of 2020.
While taking action helped shift this belief, another event crystallized it for me. During one of my interviews someone asked if I had experience building products. They thought I got the mechanics of the interview process exactly right to discover the information and trends from my audience. It was an utter surprise but a welcome one. It created a shift in me. Instead of seeing a lack of skills, someone saw my potential for creating products. It made me examine my skills in more depth. I made a list of the skills I could transfer:
a deep ability to listen and observe to what's said and unsaid
able to craft an safe place that allows people to feel share their real thoughts
strategic skills that help sort out trends and prioritize a way forward
ability to ask questions that draw out what others think
a propensity for being organized
Today I can see that my project management and well-honed coaching skills weren't a liability to building a product but instead an asset. I see myself and how to apply my talents in a new way. This new mindset gives me so many more options which feels like freedom.
It takes bravery to see ourselves in new ways but when we do new worlds can emerge.
You are stronger than you think
Traveling has always been my salve, my way to rejuvenate. This year I jumped way back in with trips to Ireland, Germany, Denmark, Mexico and shorter jaunts in the states to Chicago, Colorado and Washington D.C.
This year I decided to tackle a continent that has long been on my bucket list: Asia. While travel is just how I live, it doesn’t always come without concerns, especially when with existing health issues while attempting a BIG trip like this. The plan was for a five week trip through four countries in Asia in early fall. For someone with chronic health issues just recovering from Pneumonia, this would be a feat. I worried about getting sick, having a sudden flare up or being unable to keep up with my husband. Nerves pushed the excitement away for much of the year. I turned to planning to remedy this.
I spent many of my summer weekends planning out my wardrobe and which self care items to bring. In order to build my strength, I worked out every day starting at 10 minutes eventually working up to 30 minutes. I shifted my eating to high fat/low carb which fuels my energy best. I got on the plane still not uncertain I’d be able to keep up but hopeful and determined to stay resilient throughout the trip.
We spent five weeks traipsing across Seoul, Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos. We trekked through miles of rice terraces without another tourist in sight. We explored communities who live on hillsides and subsist off the land and their creativity. We climbed temples and ruins while learning about the rich history of ancient cultures. We spent a day with two elephants who nuzzled us lovingly as we bade farewell.
I had a small bout with intestinal distress but largely stayed on my feet and didn’t catch any illnesses. I carried a backpack across multiple countries and airports, a feat I didn't think possible five years ago when I could barely get out of bed more than three hours some days. By the time we returned, my confidence in my ability to handle anything grew. I discovered how strong I am and that my body can carry me long distances. I’m already planning my next long haul trip.
You are stronger than you might imagine. Challenge yourself.
Sometimes slowing down is the fastest way forward
I spent most of January traveling internationally for work. I caught a nasty bug the first week. Being super sick while away from home with a packed schedule is draining. The virus lingered for weeks, eventually turning into Pneumonia. Given existing health conditions, it took months to recover. With the illness and everything going on, I didn’t recognize I was hovering on the edge of burnout until I started wondering whether my work had meaning and contemplated not doing this work anymore. Honestly, it shocked me. Thanks to a solid self care plan I’ve followed for years, I'd never been this close to burnout. Health issues, lengthy business travel and the stresses of first time leadership created the perfect storm.
To protect my health, I had to demonstrably slow down my work. At first slowing down frustrated me. I worried opportunities would disappear if I didn't move fast. Or that all my ideas would evaporate and I wouldn't accomplish much this year. The last part kind of came true. I accomplished much less this year than in the past, especially during the first five months when my singular focus was my well-being. Instead of doing I dug into healing and self reflection. I started doing daily morning pages as a way to clear out my thoughts. I did Barre exercises every day which allowed me to rebuild my strength.
I tore my life down to the studs, letting go of anything that wasn't working and embracing more of what was. The uncertainty may have been the hardest. Being directionless is not a common experience for me but letting go and allowing the future to reveal itself was exactly what I needed. Besides, my body wouldn't let me go any faster so there was nothing else to do but accept and lean into it. I read more. I learned to read tarot cards as a way to help me deepen my introspection. Even though it felt risky and scary, I reached out to people I admired and was happy when they reciprocated. I connected with new folks who inspired me like Morgan Harper Nichols, Maria Campbell and Anne-Laure Le Cunff along with many others. I found communities like Elpha and Spark Labs where rich conversations rejuvenated me. Through my research and the folks I coached, I connected with so many amazing leaders.
Slowly the answers began revealing themselves. I realized that I wasn't alone, others must struggle with how to stay healthy while traveling for work or for fun. This lead to a side project focused on helping people stay well while they travel. It was enormously gratifying to share what I’d learned and connect with others.
By being willing to give up my work I started to see it with fresh eyes. I opened up to the possibility of building a product. I started interviewing executives, to learn about their experiences as an executive. I met so many incredible leaders. I felt gutted listening to their stories, especially new executives who felt lost as they stepped into a new leadership role. This frustrated and then invigorated me. My energy for my work returned — especially for new leaders. I decided to focus my work and product aimed at the transition into leadership. By slowing down and sitting in uncertainty, I actually sped up. It surprised me. It’s a lesson I have a feeling I’ll ponder for a while.
None of these insights were particularly revelatory, mostly they were variations on themes I've been exploring for a long time. Still, this year the shifts I made this were pretty massive, propelling me forward in unexpected ways. They changed not only the way that I think but the way I’ll deliver my work and where to spend my time and energy in the coming year(s).
Sometimes the only way to speed up is slow way down.
Where are the statistics?
You might notice that outside of the quick summary, there isn’t much in the way of statistics. 2019 was one of rejuvenation and exploration, so numbers weren't my goal. In fact, tracking results would have hindered the kind of deep thinking I needed. Instead of traditional success metrics, I focused on connecting with myself and with my community. I longed to know what they thought about, what mattered to them and what got in their way. Interviewing executives and interacting with my community on Twitter were among my most fulfilling experiences this year.
While I didn’t track metrics explicitly, I did pay attention to what my community engaged with as a way to explore what might be next. In particular my threads about tech executive trends and common scaling errors did particularly well. I'm turning the executive trends thread into in-depth articles about what I discovered and how we might remedy them. I’ve already written about the first trend: why leaders fail and will be writing about the rest of the trends in 2020. As a strategist, trends fascinate me so I plan to continue adding to the scaling thread as thoughts arise.
Not including analytics isn’t a condemnation of metrics, they're actually quite useful in the right context and when clear on what to measure. Now that I've dialed in on what's next, the coming year will have a more quantitative focus though I plan on doubling down on engaging with my community. You all are so fascinating.
I’m accepting new clients for 2020 so if you’re interested in learning more, grab a time. You can get a sample session, talk about the coaching process or whatever you’d like. I can’t wait to hear what you’re up to!